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20 Oct '05 -The 10 Worst Rap Album Covers Ever Made

These are all real. (Feel free to search Amazon or Google for them.) They have not been edited in any way except for size. If you click on them, they will bring you to the full sized version. I highly recommend doing this since you cannot truly appreciate these works of art at low resolution. They are numbered in descending order from bad to worst.

10. Spice 1 - Amerikkka's Nightmare



This is the least intimidating rapper I have ever seen in my entire life. Spice 1, what the hell kind of name is that? Does he have a posse of higher numbered spices that combine to form a group known as the spice rack? I think he is trying to look at the viewer but all the smoke from caused by Amerikkka's oppression is blinding him. He appears to be speaking in front of an American flag like some sort of rapper Patton. The guns and the straps on his shoulders should be intimidating, but instead make him look like some rejected Unreal Tournament model or a black extra from a Mad Max movie. I think he's wearing some sort of sports jersey too. Never has anyone tried so much to look hard and failed so utterly. If you are holding a Tec-9 and look soft, it's time to get out of the rap game.

9. Hot Boyz - Let 'Em Burn



See if you can count the number of Photoshop filters in this image. Somebody needs to talk to their prop department, because it looks like they are about to be put to death in a bunch of salon hairdryers. The two rappers in the middle look terribly bored, but they attempt to pose by gripping the wooden chairs that they stole from someone's garage sale. I don't think the one on the far left even knew that the picture was being taken. However, the real hero is the one on the far right. Despite the fact that he is about to be put to death for the crime of abusing image editing software, he still manages to flash his bling at the camera. I don't know why fire is circling their feet, but I like to imagine it is because a spark from their electric chairs lit one gigantic collective fart unleashed by the group at the very moment the executioner pulled the switch.

8. Kingpin Skinny Pimp - 2000 Rapdope Game



Nothing about the album comes close to making sense: not the album cover, not the album name, and certainly not the rapper's name. If he had put Kingpin at the end and used the other two works as adjectives, we might have had something. Instead he just throws three random words on the cover to piss everyone off. I guess the idea he had was some sort of futuristic theme. Apparently in the year 2000, the entire landmass of America has been reduced to the size of 5 city blocks. This explains how the Seattle Space Needle and the Statue of Liberty can be seen in the same skyline. Wait, we have a pyramid in there. What the hell is this, Total Recall? I guess Rapdope Game is a stock, or maybe it's a futuristic blood sport. He's already ripped off one Schwarzenegger movie, why not add the Running Man in there as well? The best bit is what appears to be a plane flying into a futuristic version of the twin towers while he nonchalantly puffs on his cigar and enjoys the suit he lifted from a funeral home. Hopefully his next album will be called 2001 Rapdope Game and feature him diving out of the top floor of the building he is in and/or burning alive. The fact that it contains a song called "Goldie of Concentration Camp" only raises more questions that would require the use of heavy sedatives to answer.

7. Tec-9 - Straight from tha Ramp



Finally, a photograph that captures of the essence of New Orleans. You'd think he'd be holding, oh I don't know, a Tec-9. This has to be the lowest budget rap album cover ever made. I'm pretty sure they just took this picture on a street corner, wrote on the photo with a magic marker, and then copied it several times at a public library in order to make the necessary number of covers. Tec-9 would buy a magazine for his AK-47 if he hadn't spent his remaining money on a pair jean shorts and a red tank top. At last, a cover that recalls the days when gangsta rap was just about killing people and not about how much crap you owned or hoes you pimped.

6. Pimp Daddy - Still Pimpin'



When the ghetto genie isn't busy watching over New Orleans, he enjoys sitting in a chair he borrowed from his grandmother's parlor and stomping the area surrounding the Super Dome before it became lorded over by Tina Turner and known as Thunderdome. I guess Pimp Daddy is featured twice on the album to compensate for his name being so generic. As for the hat, I have no clue. All I know is that you have to rub Tec-9's AK-47 to make Pimp Daddy appear. He will then grant you 3 wishes, provided they are about crack, bass beats, or fake diamond necklaces.

5. Juicy J - Chronicles of the Juice Man



Normally I'd be confused by a rapper busting through a newspaper in what appears to be a pair of white overalls or an apron, but then I notice that an American flag and the Declaration of Independence are in the background. Everything else seems reasonable by comparison, including the bullets holes in the paper. Apparently Wario's black cousin is on trial for shooting Project Pat. Maybe it was part of a wish Pimp Daddy granted.

4. M$. Tee - Having Thing$



This is just depressing. Her entire album is about acquiring material possessions and she has the most bare, plain room in the background. At least we know where Pimp Daddy got his gigantic chair! Judging by the black mark on her face he roughed her up pretty good before punching a hole in the wall and stealing every non-denim piece of clothing in her closet. Thank God Ms. Tee managed to preserve that awesome love seat, end table, and classic piece of artwork hanging in the background. It's a long drive to the local flea market and judging by the level effort put into her album cover, I doubt she could cough up the 15 dollars necessary to replace it.

3. Trick Daddy - Thug.com



If I could code, I would make this into a real browser. I'm baffled at the detail put into this one. He registered the domain as well as spoofed an old version of Netscape. I really hope his website used to look like this when it first launched, and when you clicked on his face he yelled "THUG LIFE" and explained that your current browser for not Thugscape compliant. In order to properly install his browser you must buy Thugdows 95. Also, his head looks like it should be some secret boss from Rise of the Triad. In order to defeat him you would have launch GED certificates at his face until a high school educational equivalent caused his brain to explode.

2. Indo G - Christmas N' Memphis



Indo G software presents Christmas N' Memphis. It was Christmas as usual in the projects until a thug sleighjacked Santa and donned his uniform, using it to access houses in order to steal money, jewelry, and everything that was left in Ms. Tee's living room. Now it is up to Charlton Heston to pry Christmas from Santa's cold dead hands. Roam the mean streets of Memphis in 12 amazing levels of blood soaked Noel goodness. Use a wide variety of weapons including Tec-9's magical AK-47 that is able to summon Pimp Daddy. Use the awesome power of PCP time in order to gain a crucial narcotic advantage over your opponents. Christmas will never be the same!

1. Big Bear - Doin Thangs



This cover manages to combine the overdone bling factor present in many rap album covers with the "What the fuck?" aspect present in so many of the top ten. This is how this album managed to make it to number one. There are so many things that are absurd on this cover that I cannot quite comprehend all of it. He has four bears smoking blunts and wearing jewelry while drinking cristal in front of a table filled with cigars, strawberries, assorted nuts, and fresh fish. Oh, and his name is in HONEY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Just in case you thought he was going light on the bear theme. The name of the album is baffling. "Doin Thangs" is such a broad description. What is he doing? THANGS. No time for apostrophes, Big Bear is on the move. I'm just relieved that he didn't forget to put a high number of lens flares onto the cover. Without it he might have lost the hook necessary to alert people that he is, in fact, doin thangs.



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